If I Were President and Other Bad Ideas

B. Thomas Cooper - Editor

blogment - National Newswire - The Infinite Echo

If I were president…
A question pondered by many, but one that can only be answered by a select few. What would I do, you ask? Well for starters…

As president of the United States, I’d probably spend much of my time in the White House rose garden, hanging with the gardener. I would undoubtedly seek his advice on a variety of subjects, starting with perennials. I might even appoint him (or her) to the Supreme Court should the opportunity arise. (After all, it almost worked with Harriet Miers).

If I were president, I would use my executive powers to insist upon the completion of the Mount Rushmore busts, which have been left unfinished for over a half a century. (Let’s see the Taliban try to destroy these busts).

I would hire an architect to install some corners in the Oval Office. I would fire Richard Cheney, and replace him with a lawn sprinkler. Actually, I don’t think it really matters what I replace Cheney with, just as long as I replace him.

I would take cooking lessons from the White House chef, and demonstrate my exquisite taste to foreign dignitaries. I would have a Taco Bell installed next to the Lincoln Bedroom. I would stay up late at night watching Conan, and fall asleep on the couch with a mouthful of pretzels.

Come to think of it, I probably wouldn’t make the best president. Then again, who would? Some of us were simply never cut out for the roll of President of the United States, and frankly, the current administration is going to be a tough act to follow.

B. Thomas Cooper - Editor

blogment - National Newswire - The Infinite Echo

Cheney Feeling the Heat

B. Thomas Cooper - Editor

blogment - National Newswire - The Infinite Echo

Could vice president Richard Cheney soon find himself under increased legal scrutiny for his personal role in the Valerie Plame scandal? Experts say yes. Indeed, the heat is always highest closest to the flame and Mr. Cheney is already experiencing meltdown.

Cheney has never really demonstrated any palpable respect for his position as vice president, or for the laws of our government. His is about him and nothing else. The unlawful invasion of Iraq has proven to be a massive debacle for the Bush administration, costing tax payers billions in un-accounted for US dollars… much of which vanished while under the care of Cheney’s cronies and fellow war profiteers, Halliburton. Cheney has nothing to say about the missing dough. Perhaps he doesn’t actually think it’s missing. The vice president doesn’t have much to say about his spurious ‘Energy Task Force’ these days either. After all, a quick glance at the available task force documents tell a sad tale indeed. America has been taken for a ride.

The ‘outing’ of Valerie Plame was business as usual for this administration. Dick Cheney does not react favorably when his motives are questioned, a fact I can personally attest to. It is nothing new for him to set the dogs after anyone he believes may be interloping. Richard Cheney does not play nice, nor does he play fair. By all accounts, the man is simply not a straight shooter.

Still, the heat is on, and Mr. Cheney is starting to get a little crispy around the edges. Speaking from both sides of his mouth, he touts the British pullout from Iraq as a positive sign of improved conditions, while at the same time claiming a similar pullout by US troops would embolden the enemy, as though every angry Iraqi thinks with a singular mind. The man isn’t stupid… he is criminally dishonest. My guess is that a pullout of British troops will not adversely affect the bottom line at Kellogg Brown and Root, where-as any pullout of US troops would cut overall funding, and Halliburton’s ever so lucrative cash cow would cease to milk. Don’t kid yourself… Richard Cheney butters his bread with the blood of the fallen.

Still, like any heartless vampire, lonesome Dick cannot survive long under direct illumination, and as such he can be expected to do whatever he deems necessary to assure his activities are conducted among the shadows. Nonetheless, Dick Cheney is feeling the heat, a rather ironic twist for a man who has made a career out of scorching the ground beneath his feet.

Editors note:
Richard Cheney and members of his staff are regular readers of National Newswire, although it’s supposed to be a secret. As a consequence, I expect to be ‘outed’ for one thing or another before this administration packs it in. Actually, I’m flattered. One would think with the war and all, those fellows would have more important matters on their minds

Que Sera, Sera, I suppose.

B. Thomas Cooper - Editor

blogment - National Newswire - The Infinite Echo

Meet Mr. Cheney - All Bull, No Horns

The Infinite Echo
B. Thomas Cooper
Editor


Meet Richard Cheney.
When it comes to dishonesty, Mr. Cheney wrote the book.

All truth be told, it’s more of an instructional manual really, aptly titled ‘The Art of Untruth, a Practitioners Guide to Deception’. The book contains a plethora of technique and advice, all gleaned from Mr. Cheney’s illustrious experience as the world’s pre-imminent teller of lies.

Chapter headings include ’When Honesty is Not the Best Policy’ ’Fear Mongering for Fast Results’, ‘Inaccuracies and Misdirection’, ‘Lies for Fun and Profit’ and includes a finely researched collection of some of Mr. Cheney’s more sensational quotes. Here’s just a sample of what goes on in the mind of this disingenuous buffoon, a man some refer to as the most powerful war profiteer in modern history.


"In Iraq, a ruthless dictator cultivated weapons of mass destruction and the means to deliver them. He gave support to terrorists, and had an established relationship with al Qaeda" - Nov. 7, 2003

"We know he's been absolutely devoted to trying to acquire nuclear weapons, and we believe he has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons." - March 16, 2003

"My belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators." - March 16, 2003

“The plan was criticized by some retired military officers embedded in TV studios. But with every advance by our coalition forces, the wisdom of that plan becomes more apparent.”

"I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency." - on the Iraq insurgency, June 20, 2005

“The Iraqi forces are conducting the Mother of all Retreats“.

"Go f*ck yourself." - to Sen. Patrick Leahy, during an angry exchange on the Senate floor about war profiteering by Halliburton, June 25, 2004

“I’m the Vice President, and they’re not” - January 2007


There are many more disturbing quotes attributed to our heartless vice president. After all, Dick Cheney has been telling whoppers since long before I was born. Mr. Cheney doesn’t just bend the truth, he revels in his lies. He has in fact, elevated his dishonesty into an art form…The art of untruth.

Now before you go order a copy of the book from Amazon, I should probably come clean, something Mr. Cheney has never done. You see, other than the quotes I made the whole thing up. There is no book. It was all one big lie.

Mr. Cheney would be proud of me.


B. Thomas Cooper is a freelance journalist and historian with a keen sense of satire. His writings are available online.

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